Kiasi

I am kiasi. Not because I am afraid of death (its hard to be afraid of the unknown) but rather because I am afraid of leaving the people I love behind.

I am afraid of leaving my Mr MG behind to raise our kids alone the way my dad had to with us. A man needs a wife to love him and a mother to look after his kids. Its hard enough to be a parent but to be a single parent is many times harder. I salute all single parents.

I am afraid of leaving my little ones behind. They're so young and innocent and have so many more milestones to cover and things to learn. I would not want them to grow up without a mom to love them the way I had to.

So I tell Mr MG. "If I die, you must remarry but got condition one. First, your new wife must love our kids and Second, you better not allow our kids to forget about me. You must keep on telling them about me to remind them." (I'm not sure new wife would like that very much!) The second condition is something I am terrified of because my kids are so young now, I couldn't bear it if they forgot me. (Not that I'd know if I were dead). Hehe. Tough! No wonder my dad never remarried even though he was only 44 when my mom died. His reason has always been "Its not easy to find a woman to love your kids and not want to have some of her own" and he didn't want to have any more kids. 5 of us must have been a handful as it is. Plus, my dad is a simple and straightforward man so I don't think he enjoyed the thought of having an extended family with more kids and the kids all fighting with one another!

Similarly, I've told Mr MG. "If anything happened to you, be assured that though it will be very hard, I will find the strength within me to make sure I go out to get a job and still do the best that I can to look after the children financially and emotionally." I know that being the sole breadwinner the thought of "Whats going to happen to my family without my income?" may sometimes add stress and pressure to his already stressful job so I tried to reassure him. Not sure if it helped though. I told him that "I only appear weak, dependant and helpless now becuse you are around mah." (I am old fashioned mah. I like my man to at least appear to be stronger than me. Hehe. Lucky for me he is.)

Why the sudden morbid thoughts? Because I had to do an MRI of the brain recently to look for a brain tumour (they did not find anything so far but I am still kiasi :PpP) and because 5XMom reminded me and then disallowed comments.