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Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Wife prefers to stay home, husband prefers wife to work

I wrote this on one of the days when my internet connection was down so it may sound a little bit ranty.

Wife prefers to stay home, husband prefers wife to work. Thats us. Of course, the other equation also happens. Wife prefers to work, husband prefers wife to stay home. Whatever it is, you've got to learn to get along and the most important thing of all is the kids should not be affected by your disagreement over this matter.

Just two days of no blogging outlet is enough to drive me grouchy. All that housework and cooking, and kids fighting and screaming and sticking to me all day is enough to drive me super grouchy and moody. I hadn’t realized how having a blog to vent my thoughts really helps me get through my days.

At least on my blog, someone listens. I could rant about this and that and someone would say “Yah, yah. I can relate to that. It happens to me too.” Then I don’t feel so bad or mad. Hehe. Sometimes the hubby is too tired to listen or he would just say “Just do it. Its your job. You chose to do it.” (Stay at home to look after the kids that is). Even if he doesn’t say it, I know that’s what he’s thinking because he has said it often enough.

Its no big secret to me that he prefers me to work while we share the household chores and the finances instead of specializing like these. Now, I do all the household related stuff (he helps me with some grocery shopping and worrying about some household issues but all the day to day childcare “work” of feeding, caring, bathing, getting the kids to sleep etc is done entirely by me). His job is to play with the kids and bring in the doe. (I don’t help him with that). Sometimes he’s even too tired to play with the kids much except weekends.

He has often said that there is an imbalance with this arrangement. The kids are much closer to me simply because of the time I spend with them and I ask him “Would you rather they be close to a maid or baby sitter and equally not so close to both of us?” Haih! Oh well, still he is supportive enough of my staying home to be with the kids and often thanks me for it but it doesn’t change his preference. (which makes it rather hard for me to “complain” about how hard it is being at the kids beck and call 27/7 or to ask for any help from him. Afterall, I don’t help him.)

This is just one of the differences we have to live with. I can’t change his preference and neither can he change mine. Being on one income is hard, we have to cut a lot of corners and be very mindful of our spending all the time and I know its really tough on him, the pressure of it all. However, there has never been a doubt in my mind that I want to be home with the kids. It just does not make any sense to me to pay someone else to look after my kids for me. It does not make sense to me to be able to spend only the evenings and weekends with them especially when they are so young. Of course financially, we would be able to afford more and this would translate to better things for the kids, better education, better life if I worked but I want to be home to nurture their emotional side too.

I wish we were more like minded in this area. For example, if he also wanted me to stay at home with the kids, when he sees that I’ve had enough of the kids for the day, he would take over gladly. However, since he is of the view that it would be so much nicer if we could share everything ie work outside plus childcare, his mindset is a little different. Although he is still supportive, its not the same, I feel. Sometimes I feel that he should do more to bond with the kids instead of saying that they are close to me because I stay home to look after them. Sometimes I feel guilty to even ask him to do anything since he is often so exhausted and I can’t help him much, what more to expect him to help me instead. Haih! Its not easy being a SAHM, even more so when your spouse does not mind the arrangement, supports you because he knows its what you prefer BUT you are fully aware that he prefers it otherwise. Sigh!

Sorry, I’m just ranting. I’m certainly not saying that leaving your kids to be looked after by someone else makes anyone a bad mum. I’m sure the working mums who visit my blog are wonderful mothers. I can tell by reading your blogs. In fact sometimes quality time spent with your kids is even better than quantity time. Having a caring, loving mum who comes home in the evening to hug and love and take care of you might be better than having one who is at home all day screaming at you. Hahaha.

At the time I wrote this, I was having blog withdrawal symptoms therefore my post sounded more negative than what I usually like it to be. Lol! Yes, blame it on someone or something. Thats terrible isn't it? Hubby always say that I don't take responsibility for my actions/what I do but like to blame others or circumstances. Hmmm.... I suppose he could be right..... some of the time.


  1. My side too, hubby prefers me to work. If i'm in KL sure i will work, but here...sigh, i feel no momentum to work. :<

  2. Whatever your difference of opinion, I'm sure he appreciates the fact that you are always there for the kids -- and for him too! ;)
    You can always consider going back to work later on when they are older.
    Belated blog anniversary wishes btw!

  3. As for my, I dont mind either, but if my wife wants to work, there must be someone that we can trust to look after our baby daughter. However, I'd rather have my wife take care of our daughter personally. So far I still can support the family, thus it is not really necessary for her to work.

  4. Hugs to you MG. Yeah used to have that feeling when boys were toddlers. As for me, I enjoy being a SAHM as I get to see them grow, spend time with them & coach them in their studies & also spend more time with DH.I think you r doing such a magnificent job with your family!

  5. My wife prefers to be a housewife instead of working but we can't afford to with the financial commitments we have. We just ask God to guide us along the way :)

  6. I've been having these thoughts too. Even if I like staying at home with my kids, and still juggling my centre a few hours a day, I couldn't stop wondering if I should work and make money to secure my kids' future. However, they're really too young to be left to someone to care of them, other than me myself.
    Hubby prefers me to stay at home as he thinks that they don't see him much, if they don't see me too, he has no idea how our kids will be when they grow up.
    Mmm...in dilemma...

  7. I can feel you MG. U're just too tired i think. Hubby always ask me to stay at home..but i refused cos i don't want him to give me the feeling like "i bring home the cash, you do the rest".Sometimes i feel like staying at home..but then i think again, working gives me some time off for myself.

  8. Poor dear. Aren't you glad to be online again? LOL! Just hang in there!

  9. huisia,
    No momentum? Maybe its just as well.

    Yes, he does appreciate though at times, he grumbles "my wife is at home but......." (hehe)

    Hello, welcome to my blog. Yes, we'd need to find someone we can trust too since we don't have family who is available to help.

    a&a's mom,
    Yes, I enjoy it too. The best time is in the mornings where there is no rush to wake the babies up to send them to baby sitters before rushing off to work. That would be so heartbreaking. Now we have a very leisurely morning, waking up whenever we feel like it and laze in bed for a while before getting up.

    Yes, I shouldn't be complaining because I'm right at home where my heart wants to be. I'm always thankful that whenever any of them falls sick, we don't have to worry about who takes leave to look after them because I'm always available. It sure makes things a lot easier.

    Yes, its a dilemma of always wondering whether we're doing the right thing. If the mum works too, then perhaps their lifestyle could be different as we could afford more for them.

    Oh yes, working definitely gives us some time off for ourselves. While working we have 1 whole hour off for lunch. Imagine that! Hahaha. (Ok, ok sometimes cannot take whole hour off lah but still its uninterrupted lunch and thats a such a luxury, I tell you!)

    That was written offline. Now back online, mood back to normal so no need to hang in there but thanks anyway. Lol!

  10. MG, it's always looks greener on the other side of the mountain. Sometimes, having two incomes do not mean that you will make ends meet. I know of many families, including mine who are on two incomes and many a times, we still have to hold back on spending.
    Going to work means more clothes to buy, travel to and fro work expenses, lunches to buy, babysitters to pay....etc. When my kids were little, I used to shower them with gifts nearly everyday because I felt a need to reward them knowing that they have been good at creche.
    I stopped work for 4 years in 1995 and we cut back a lot but I enjoyed every minute of it though I know what it feels like when you want something but had to forego.
    I am sure one day you will return to work when your kids are older and need less of your time. Hang in there! Appreciate all you have now and your husband who works hard to bring home the bacon. :))

  11. judy,
    No worries. That was written on an off-coloured day. Most of the time, I think the grass is greener on my side, thats why I choose to be here. Hahaha! And yes, I do appreciate the hubby a lot too.

  12. This is a very personal preference. Not only the financial standing, but you need to consider your character and needs. For me, even if we're very rich, I'll probably still like to do a bit of work cos I'm not the sort that can stay at home and take care of a kid. I need a lot of personal space.

  13. Hang in there, children grow up very fast. Once they are up to a certain age, life would be better. :)

  14. me also he prefers me to work, probably he's afraid I'll go cuckoo if I don't.
    For myself, I would prefer a flexi hour work :)

  15. wow. that's me.
    on a bad bad BAD day, too.

    Happy days are back again?

  16. I am totally in the same shoe as you. Initially DH was very supportive of me taking care of Darren myself. Until lately, when I lost my patience quite frequent as Darren getting more lau kai, DH prefers me to get back to work, so that I can have a break. But this is not what I want... sometimes i just need to rant/complain to release my tension..not that I really mind/angry taking care of Darren all by myself..he just doesn't seems to understand.

    Anyway, I still prefer to be a SAHM. I can't imagine leaving Darren to someone else now..seems like I am attaching to him very much. We just need to hang it there...

  17. sesame,
    You're right. Its a very personal preference and theres nothing wrong in any of the choices. You just have to find a way to make it work for everyone in the family, that is all.

    Actually, life is better already compared to when they were younger.

    Or part time work but its not easy to find one that is just right.

    Yup! Happy days are back again.

    baby Darren,
    We lose our patience after being home with them all day and the husbands come home thinking they'd have a peaceful, organised home because we are not working, just in time to see us shouting, getting "manchang" and the kids crying. Hahaha. Sounds familiar?

  18. after reading ur post and experiencing it myself, i still prefer to be a SAHM. all the heartache and backache is so worth when we can watch them grow and learn right b4 our eyes...i'm waiting for the day to come :D

  19. miche,
    Well, I still prefer to be one too. :)

  20. experiencing that too even I'm only a SAHM for 10 months... Hubby said I should do more than taking care of the baby... He always wanted me to be some entreprenuer who can work from home... well, I can tell you it's not easy... when baby cries his lungs out and am bz with 1001 things.. can really go bonkers and hubby thought I'm sitting at home doing unproductive thing... *sigh*

  21. angeleyes,
    They don't realise that taking care of the baby is a more full time job than working at the office. At least at the office we have lunch hours!


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