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Thursday, August 03, 2006



That Loving Gesture....

I have some loving gestures towards Mr MG which gets thrown out the window when I am mad at him. Sometimes when we disagree, I...

  • shout
  • slam doors
  • walk out (not out of the house but midway during a conversation)
  • stop talking (cold war has been declared)
  • withold my loving gestures

On the other hand, he almost always will....

  • speak calmly and rationally (sometimes irritating me further becos he is too rational. hehe)
  • hardly raise his voice
  • never slam doors
  • sometimes declare a cold war too
  • seldom withold a loving gesture

I sometimes wonder if men and women argue differently when they have a disagreement. Some of my female friends and relatives report almost the same observations as me when they have a fight with their spouse. Often, the men are still calm and rational. Maybe women are more hot headed and emotional afterall eh?

Mr MG had once asked me. "Why do you stop doing the things you normally do for me when your are angry with me? That should not be the way. Things should not suddenly be so different just because we have a disagreement"

He is right of course. Non-loving gestures feed upon itself and create negative feelings that sometimes lasts longer than the fight. (It is also harder to get out off. Hehe. Getting back into a loving mode is harder to do after you have behaved like a kid throwing a tantrum.)

So these days, I'm trying to work on my self-control and still be nice even when I'm angry. I will still do the things I normally do for him and sometimes I even give him a foot massage when I am still angry. In a marriage, one has to learn that conflicts cannot be resolved overnight. In a marriage, one should also realise that if you want to win all the time in an argument, you will lose out in the end when more bad feelings are created. Bad feelings built up in this manner is akin to building a brick wall between you and your spouse. You lay the bricks each time you are mad and the wall gets thicker and higher over time until it creates a rift between you and your spouse.

I hope that I succeed in my mission of self-control. It is really so much easier to shout, slam cupboard doors and declare a cold war than to control my own anger and response. Wish me luck! (And no, we didn't have any argument. I just wanted to reflect and remind myself of the need to have self control)

Other Related Posts:

Empathy Vs Resentment
Top Ten Couple Wars
Food Wars
Do You Shout At Your Spouse In Front of Your Kids?

Unrelated to this post:

Not sure why I'm seeing rubbish bins, waste bins, trash containers and recycling bin ad links among my ads. Maybe I'm talking to much rubbish on my blog. Hahaha.

16 comments:

  1. obviously I have a lot more to learn from Mr MG :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. ur hubby is quite mild mannered. If you didn't mention about the "rubbish" links..i wouldn't have noticed..hehe.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hubby and I only have cold war but no screaming type of fight. In fact, we hardly fight as both of us are really too soft. But if I'm angry, I'll get a cool shower. That helps to "bring down the temperature".

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hubby & I fight the same. If I ignore him, he gets annoyed. Ig he ignores me I get annoyed. If I raise my voice, he gives me the cold treatment. If he raises his I give him the silent treatment. Our fighting style is so similar that it's predictable. Fighting has turned into such a bore that these we just dont bother fighting anymore. Whenever we argue, we just end up rolling our eyes & shrugging it off. Boo hoo...no more 'fire' in the relationship. Sometimes it's good to fight. Lol.

    ReplyDelete
  5. When i am angry, i will show a black face and sometimes i will shout and slams door as well! But when hubby is angry, he just kept quiet which irritates me further..haha..

    Looks like it's true when they say Men are from Mars and Women from Venus..;p

    ReplyDelete
  6. slammed door and shouting ah?? how come so similar to mine. ;P me also hot heated one..flares up easily but hubby always calm... the most he does is to give me the cold treatment.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I never fight one. Psst psst Alter Ego says "I show sour face, he already bear tahan". Hubby is more sensible than me when there's a disagreement. He constantly reminds me that communication is extremely important rather than keeping the anger all bottled up. U knowlah woman, cold treatment. Hubby ask ok or not? Not ok also say ok but face black black one, expecting him to read my mind.Lol

    ReplyDelete
  8. mumsgather, when in argument

    i:
    -shout
    -get all emotional

    and he:
    -talks calmly or
    -give me the cold shoulder

    at his cold shoulder, I'll retaliate by giving him back the cold shoulder, and like blurblur, I can't stand the silence and after a while, I'll pinch him or kick him, just to get him riled up *grin* horrible me, then the argument will go on.

    From all your comments, I guess, generally, we women are the emotional ones and love to dramatize.

    Arguments are horrible but good in the sense that, at least we express our discontent and come to some sort of compromise, where both will benefit :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. I hate my hubby talked rational when i still angry. It's likely to stomp me more.

    ReplyDelete
  10. egghead,
    How you behave leh? Never share share? Hehe.

    vien,
    Not mild mannered but rather good at self control, I think. Luckily he doesn't shout back or else I might shout LOUDER. Hahaha.

    shoppingmum,
    Cool Shower? Must try that. Sometimes doing the housework helps. Anything to distract ourselves just for the moment of anger and at least the house gets cleaner afterwards, that is, if we don't break any dishes during the process. Lol!

    sarah's mummy,
    Hahaha. Fighting oso can be boring wan meh?

    blurlblur,
    Yah, I forgot to add, we both equally good at showing black face. One look at his black face sure to turn mine black one!

    dragonmummy,
    Such hot tempered creatures we are. Tsk! Tsk! Tsk!

    immomsdaughter,
    Yes, hubby says the same thing about communication too. But I thought all the books we read out there say that men do not know how to communicate? ;)

    working mom,
    Yes, it does look like women are the more emotional and dramatic bunch.

    hui sia,
    I can't argue with his reasons and that makes me even more MAD!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Reflections are always good for our own corrections, ie if we can correct our weaknesses. :) It is normal for couples to have domestics and as long as we don't ignore each other for too long, it is healthy for the marriage. I remember my girlfriend used to say this, "I love arguments because the making up is fun..nudgex2, winkx2, say no more!"

    ReplyDelete
  12. newkidontheblog,
    Hubby begs to differ on the "arguments and making up is fun part." He says that too many arguments and making up does not give him the harmony that he feels a relationship should have. (especially when he's got a wife who throws tantrum and slams door hor. :PpP )

    ReplyDelete
  13. sounds like we are marrying the same husband!

    are u sure your husband got no 2nd wife? kekeke...

    we sure got a lot to learn from our hubby...kinda difficult when we cepat melenting type of person. :D

    ReplyDelete
  14. Next time, try counting from 1 to 10. Breathing in and out slowly and deeply as you count. It worked for me. Now, when my temper is 'triggered', I only need to count to 5 to cool down totally and talk to my husband in a new perspective :P
    http://www.motherndaughter.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  15. I have tried all a billion times. Call it age is catching up or `mellowing'. Like a friend said : `sudah....done and begone...'. Just let the man win la! does it matter who is right or wrong? I used to demand for equal rights until we ended up fighting like a woman's monthly cycle. In fact it's so predictable and expected that I decided enough was enough, so I give in la! easier that way. So I mellow down like old wine! Grin. As long as there is a limit la! Slamming of doors..I still do that. Screaming..will always do that! Soon I think the entire family will need hearing aides! I will be first one to get one! Ah...what did you just say? -smirk~

    ReplyDelete
  16. miche,
    Married the same husband? You think chinese serial tv drama meh? Lol!

    just me,
    I've always read about counting to 10 but have not practised it. Since you say it works, maybe next time I'll try it.

    flowsnow,
    Hahaha. Hello there fellow screamer. What did you just say?

    ReplyDelete

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